Today, and for the past 10 days, I have this feeling that I don’t know if I will ever start smiling again…
I am not sure about what I expected from this. Like THIS whole thing. THIS whole weekend. THESE whole moments. I try to sum it up in my mind, but it is kinda difficult, I am a bit divided, I think I need distance from this moment.
I had that pressure moment once more. Yesterday in IKEA. We were shopping for waste basket and a stewpot, when there, right in the middle of IKEA, for no reason, I again started to feel my insides burn like hell, my head pounding, my voice being shut down by my superego, everything inside me screaming and pushing me to scream on the outside too. I just held onto my shopping cart, trying to get to the cashier the fastest way possible, my knuckles were white from holding on too tight, my face must have looked really depressive, I was just an inch from starting crying, and I just kept pushing my cart, like it was some game where I am playing for my life… Once I got to the cashier, it slowly began to go back to normal and by the end, I was just bored. If this happens when I am in Sweden, I don’t know, what to do. Smoke heavily?
My first weekend with M. All alone. In Prague. No parents this weekend, just us. And we really devoted this weekend to each other. I mean, in three days, we tried the whole “married life” scenario. On Friday, M was at school/work, I had lunch with AnnieAnn, then shopping for shoes (we only got M’s, not mine though), shopping for food together and then cafe we wanted to try. Saturday was “cultural,” Museum of police, after that IKEA with that “IKEA thing” and dinner with Marsee and her BF (had the BEST BURGER EVER!!!!). And today, we just did what we had to, I was cleaning, a little studying, workout, M was like the same… So apart from that “baby experience,” we had everything. And I felt just okay. Like not nervous, well adapted to the fact that I am not with my parents this weekend, enjoying myself… There were a few moments that weren’t all fine, but it is just me, I need to learn this.
Still not decided. Still feeling scared when thinking about the yesterday’s “thing feeling.” How long has it been since the last (and also first) one? Well hopefully, this one is the last one.
P.S.: Scratch scratch baby, like it’s new…
Amy Baby… <3
I think I will die without my baby for 5 months… Oh god… Wish he haw small like this again…
how people can hate fruit and veg
like the sheer deliciousness of loads of colourful veggies roasted in olive oil, salt and pepper
or a fresh fruit smoothie blended with loads of ice
HOW CAN YOU NOT THINK ITS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER
people who live on chicken nuggets and fries baffle me